Dryxanne’s Confessions

"…Loneliness IS painful…when you are alone in late of the nite, wondering how and why you end up there, and the silence is so deafening to your ears, you wish thousands of devils will just scream at your ears instead… and surviving is another tough path to walk, when you ask yourself, after all this time being accompanied, would you be able to do it on your own now that you’re alone?.."

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The lines above are taken from my comment to a friend’s blog post. Yesterday I read his blog, and his recent post was titled "Alive", in which he stated about surviving the loneliness. I couldn’t be more surprised to find that what he wrote was more or less similar to what I feel now. So I wrote him a comment, which afterwards I thought my lines were so great (yeah, I’m a self-confessed narcissist that got so proud of some lines I made that to others might seem plain only) and I saved it because right at that moment I was hit by the idea of a new blog post, which I’m typing now.

Yes, loneliness is painful, to deal with. When you are so used to being accompanied, when suddenly one day you are alone, and worse is not just physically alone but also alone at heart, that’s when you feel the silence (be it in your surrounding or in heart) is so deafening, that you wish you would just have thousands of devils screaming at your ears at the same time. At least, by that noise you are so distracted that you won’t have the mind to worry about anything else, such as loneliness.

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It’s not like I don’t like the state of being alone. Sometimes being alone in room, reading books, just chilling out, can be so much relaxing. It’s being lonely that I dislike. When feeling lonely, and no one to accompany you, when you call all friends just to find that they are not available for you, THAT’S WHEN loneliness hits you. Worse if it happens late at nite, when there’s no sound, you could probably go crazy, because that’s when all the memories coming back to haunt you. And there’s nothing left to do but surrender and try to let it pass slowly, because the more you fight it, the harder it hits.

The mornings aren’t better. When you wake up alone in the morning, when the first thing passing your mind is your memory of sweet mornings you once passed without being alone, you feel like you’d rather stay in dreams longer. Though dreams aren’t that sweet anymore. No, instead of sweet dreams, now you have nightmares of what could have, should have, and would have.

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No, I’m not yet in that worst stage. But I’ve been there before, and tell you the truth, it REALLY SUCKS. And, I’m so afraid to go back to that stage again, that’s why I’m trying real hard to keep my mind busy enough, and my body as well, so that when the night comes, I would be tired enough that I’d just fall asleep fast without having enough time to worry or fear or think about things that would bother my heart. Some of you may say it’s the best way to deal with a wounded heart, as time goes by, slowly you will get used to being alone again. But some others may say, it’s better to face it, to feel the hurt and sorrow and let it be something to digest slowly until you feel that it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Well, I’ve tried both ways, and I’ve gotta say, the best way is combination of both. You keep yourself busy, but at the same time give yourself enough time to have a deep thought about what had happened, what lessons can be taken, and what steps to be done next. And running away from your wounds aren’t going to solve it, or heal it. Facing the truth is the best way. Everyday, you have to remind yourself, that what used to be there, now is no longer there, and whether it will or not come back again someday, you just can’t hang a single thread of hope for it. Just continue your life, and don’t put any hope, any expectations at all. In short, let go.

I am restructuring my life, again. It’s not easy to stand up and walk again, after for some (short) time I had the help for it, especially when I was very low down. But, we can’t rely on people forever. There will come a time when we must face everything alone. That’s when we are faced with the trials, which once we pass, will make us stronger for the next challenge.

I know this all sounds so cliche, and some of you who read will perhaps being cynical inside and mumble, let’s see how long this girl lives up to her words. Yes, I know I’m not a saint, God, even saints have weakness…But, perhaps, these are all the words I’m telling myself so in that way I can be strong.

And yes, I do believe I would get over this. Maybe not soon, but I hope soon enough. I sure wouldn’t want to hang too long in the gloomy period like I used to do, because that would mean I never learn anything from my past experiences, and I’m sure The Big Guy Up There would be very disappointed…*grin*

I do pray that HE would keep being by my side through this tough times, reaching out HIS hands to me as usual, and keep me in HIS loving arms. HE has showed to me so many times that HE was always there when I was so weak. And I pray I wouldn’t ever disappoint HIM again in whatsoever ways, GOD help me please.

God help me please…

" Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you…For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (Matthews 7:7 ; 7:8, KJV)