Dryxanne’s Confessions

The 6th comes so fast. ( read the post previously here. )

In short, everything’s finished.

My current state is I’m restructuring my life again, alone. (read it here)

The summary is, I did visit him for the 3rd time, and this time it seemed pretty sure that it probably would be the last, or even the last time I’d ever see him again, although seeing the past experience, I can’t be 100% sure, but something was telling me that I’d never see him again on purpose…

The visit was wonderful actually, and for the few days I passed with him, things were going great actually. I guess both of us were trying hard to postpone the real thing to happen until the last minutes. We had fun (at least I thought so), we even went to a music show. We went hunting for pirated CDs, dinner at this nice place, and bought some books together. Everything that would be perfect, if only there was a big thing lack in there, the mutual feelings needed.

And that morning when we had this conversation, where we decided, or actually me listening to him telling his reasons why we (or he) couldn’t possibly be continuing whatever we had started, and how he apologized if somewhere along the way he had misleaded me into thinking differently, into thinking there was something very special and deep going on between us, which in reality he said it hadn’t been true. I couldn’t say I was shocked to hear it, I guess I must have figured it out subconsciously long before.

I would like to say I didn’t shed any tears out, at least there were no tears run down my face, when he said all the words. I could feel my heart frozen, all his words felt like running around my head and just fading. I could say some very wise words, I asked to clear some things, and eventually I could calmly agree with him that we couldn’t possibly continue any further. But why when he asked us to be "friends", I couldn’t answer his question directly?

I was avoiding. I knew that I could probably never be a friend like I had been before to him. There’s always a chance I could mess up and go breaking our friendship. I did once with another, and if it wasn’t because the other person was so patient and so kind, I don’t think there would be much left of the connection with that person. That’s why this time I couldn’t directly agree when he asked us to be friends.

So instead I just told him that, he can treat or assume me as a friend, and whatever I would think of him, he wouldn’t need to know, as long as he could only see my attitudes as a friend would do, and he would be allowed to do whatever he would like to do if he ever finds me acting more than a casual friend to him. That’s the best I could come up, as an answer. I guess that satisfied him enough.

Before I left, at his place, I prayed a while. I knew he was watching me, perhaps confused or felt guilty, I don’t know, and I don’t think I wanted to know what he felt at that time. I prayed so hard I almost cried but I held back my tears. I prayed that I’d be strong, that HE would always hold my hands and be my strength, so that I could face the coming days just fine. Before I got into the car and left him behind, he reached out for my hand, and squeezed it. I could feel his hand so cold, although it was hot day in the middle of the day. I wanted to ask why, but I held back the word. Instead, I turned away and walked to the car, softly pulling my hand off his hand. I didn’t turn back to see him, until I was in the car, when I saw him didn’t take a second look at me and he directly left. Some of you might ask why I did that, that perhaps in those short seconds when he held me there was still hope, but I knew I’d be fooling myself to hope so. I knew there was no hope at all. That nothing was left anymore. It was it, the ending…

Back home, then I could cry. Suddenly I felt so alone, so lonely. To think that now, I can’t see him as a special friend anymore, I should filter my words when talking to him, I should be careful when asking things to him, I even should be less care about his life anymore. And that hurts. I didn’t feel the hurt all the morning ( I guess I should consider to start applying as an actress, perhaps I’m good at acting..?), but then back home I couldn’t hold much longer. I cried for a while, then felt I had to spill it out to someone, and I did to our mutual friend. She was a relief, though she perhaps didn’t think she helped.

Halfway through my spilling, I was no longer crying, and that surprised me. I guess, the prayer worked out well. My tears stopped, and I could even talk in relax mood for the rest of the story. I felt relieved for a reason I didn’t know. And although there were pretty much some questions left behind, I don’t think I want to know the answers, at least not for now. Maybe now is not the time. Someday those questions will be answered.

Right now, I just want to think that whatever he told me, whatever reasons that he told me as the reasons why we can’t possibly continue, are the truths. I don’t want to think too much into it that I may start to find some weirdness. Because by doing that, I would probably drag myself into anger, and I’d been there before, and that anger didn’t bring me any good. I don’t want to do it again.

I would like to think to let go. Let whatever happen, happen, and accept the fact that now everything’s different. And keep praying that I would be strong enough to walk again. And may HE keep helping me and keeping me in HIS arms.

To (once my) Devil…I would like to thank you, for all the good times you had shown and shared with me. For bringing out the courage in me to show my feelings, despite of the consequences and results. For being there with me on my lowest times. For keeping me in your arms when I needed a hug the most, and for keeping a place in your heart for me, although it may not be the most special corner as I would like to be in. For showing me how to have fun in life, for letting me being who I am, for sharing a few moments of your life with me. Even for being a jerk (like you said you were), although in fact I can never think of you as a jerk.

For being yourself in front of me, and for your honesty when you could have taken advantage out of me but you didn’t.

And I’m sorry for all the troubles I caused you, all the anger I made you feel, all the hard times I put you through. For all the uncomfortness you felt, all the stress and confusions, all the guilts you had inside. I’m really sorry…I’m humbly asking, Please forgive me…

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You will always have a special place in my heart…

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This is a closing. Ending to The Blue Margarita Affair.