Dryxanne’s Confessions

Few months ago, I wrote a blog with the same title but Part 1, it’s here.

Now I’m writing the 2nd Part.

All inspired by last weekend’s event, that was my Brother’s wedding.

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After all the rushings, headaches, efforts, and panics the last few months, the event was held last Saturday. It was quite successful, although some of the invited people didn’t come. The point is, it is finally done…

Looking at all the ceremonial sessions, really caused me a "headache". To imagine that someday in the future, I may have to go through the same processes, makes me reluctant already. Maybe, when it comes to my time, I wouldn’t mind, maybe who knows I’d be a Bridezilla, a bride so eager to have all the best and all the perfections. But, these few months, all the thoughts in my head is, I wouldn’t want a big party, where I or my hubby wouldn’t know who most of the guests are, because they are probably just strangers to us but friends to our parents. I want a small party, an intimate one, where the invited are close relatives and family and friends. Just like all the wedding parties in all those Hollywood sweet romantic dramas, where they have these garden parties at the yard.

A nice thought.

My Devil, has a very unique, if I may not say "weird", thought about wedding and marriage. He, in simple words, doesn’t believe in marital institution. To him, marital institution is just a man-made institution, that commitment is not to be mixed up, or to be proven only, with marriage. To him, to prove that he wants to be, and ready to be, committed to a woman doesn’t necessarily requires him to marry the woman. Which, of course, is a very modern and advanced thought for most of Indonesians, though some of Indonesians already practice this lately.

I wasn’t sharing the same opinion with him, although I couldn’t find sufficient reasons and arguments to support my opinion, or to convince him to accept my thought. But that doesn’t mean I would stop trying, my Devil…I still think that marriage is a way to strengthen and show commitments publicly, although later I do agree with you that if only society doesn’t make such law and values, that marriage is only the matter between the couple and GOD, I probably wouldn’t bother myself to go through all those processes either.

Back to the wedding.

At the wedding, again, I got asked the same questions. People seemed to be having difficulties not to ask me when will be my turn. From the MC, the relatives (old ones, especially), and even my brother’s mom-in-law kept mentioning to me, next time’s my turn. Arrrgghhh…

Seems like the pressure is slowly shifting to me now.

Honestly, after seeing how expensive a wedding costs you, you might have a 2nd thought. And seeing all the obstacles along the preparation, just for a 2-hour event, that is even questionable what’s the main purpose other than entertaining friends and guests and relatives and pleasing parents, thus blurring the meaning of the wedding itself, it all made me kinda scared to be having a wedding ceremony. Maybe I’ll just get married in a religious place (to avoid mentioning any certain religion’s place), then have a small party like I mentioned earlier, and fly off to some place for honeymoon. Am I too cocky?

I know you are smiling, or even laughing out loud now and screaming, " I told you..!! You will agree with me eventually, won’t you..??", right my cutie Devil?

The bottom line is, I’m not against wedding, or marriage. Or even a luxurious wedding party, if you do know what’s the purpose and you are able to hold one. But if you don’t, or you have limited budget, maybe you should reconsider and sit back and contemplate, is all that worth it? What do you want to achieve actually by holding a wedding party? You should figure this out before taking your step to next plan.

To me, seeing someone getting married, and being asked my turn, always hit me with the question, what’s the purpose of getting married anyway? Have I had the answer to this question? Have I found anyone for that? And how do people know that those were THE moments, they are THE ones, and that path is THE path they want to walk down? I was asking myself, even if, hypothetically, I have found someone, how do I know I’m ready to marry him? That I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with him, only? That I will love him and only him, forever?

But, what if I meet someone attractive and I feel the urge to kiss him? Haha…

Kidding…

You all get my point right?

My friend, who tied the knot 3 months ago, said that, no one can be completely sure they are ready. There’s still always a slightest doubt. Because to those 1st time getting married, they have no idea what a marriage life would be. Eventhough living together, has a bit different taste than actual marriage life, I guess…Not speaking from experience though, but I guess the comfort level is a bit different, although many couples don’t mind with this "domestic partnership" level of relationship and they lasted it for years. Take a popular example is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

I’m losing my points here…

OK, I think I have to end it here.

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To summarize :

1. I don’t see the need to rush to get married, especially now that I don’t have somebody to be called a "boyfriend". The nearest I have is my Devil, and I can’t even find a correct word to explain the kind of relationship we have now, not to mention that I also don’t think that I know clearly what kind of relationship we have. (He called it "non-formalized intimate relationship". You go figure…)

2. I don’t see the need to hold a wedding party for people I don’t know well. Maybe someday I will be forced to hold one out of respect to parents and their friends, but personally, I don’t agree to spending money for something I don’t appreciate highly.

3. I’m not against marriage, or wedding ceremony.

4. I don’t see myself walking down the aisle next year, or maybe even in 2008, or year after that. Unless GOD plans differently. In that case, HE would have to send me someone fast. Maybe today, GOD, can you hear me up there?

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I hope I didn’t write anything that scared you, or offended you, or upset you for revealing your personal opinions and thoughts on this issue here, my Devil