Dryxanne’s Confessions

Yesterday.

Yesterday morning, I knew somehow that you already were in this city again, that you just teased me saying you’d stay another month there. Yesterday morning, I was so happy to know you were back.

Yesterday afternoon, I was extremely happy when we discussed about our plan for a weekend together. I was so excited, so looking forward to this weekend, planning in my head where I would meet you and what we were going to do.

Yesterday afternoon, you didn’t even know that our weekend plan was going to blow up in the sky, because you didn’t even know that you’d be requested to be placed there.

Last night.

When you called me, I was in a deep sleep. Thought it was morning already, gave me a shock, coz it felt like I was just asleep for a while.

I was feeling butterflies in my stomach to hear your sweet voice. To feel that you were so concerned of a number of miscalls from me on your cell, that you immediately called back once you saw them. I was feeling so warm inside, that in my half-asleep state, though we couldn’t be together lying side by side, I could still hear your voice so clear as if you were next to me.

Then I felt the hurt inside, the weird and strange, inexplainable pain in my stomach, my desires to sleep all gone, when you said that one line, " I will go to that place again the day after tomorrow."

Suddenly I was not sleepy anymore. Suddenly I wanted to scream out loud. Suddenly I felt so angry, upset, sad, broken inside. Why have the world become so unfair, that I’m going to be parted from you again for uncertain time? To a place where I can’t reach you just to hear your voice on the phone, where you can’t steal time to get out of your things and meet me for a couple of hours?

Yes, I was mad at the condition, and yes, maybe I was mad at you too, although it was totally not your fault. I was so upset I couldn’t think clearly, and everything I said or mumbled out was only words that hurt. One thing led to another, another phone call after that didn’t recover the situation, in fact made it worse…

Today.

Today I woke up with worries. Couldn’t wear a smile, although there was nothing to smile at anyway. Sent you some messages saying I was sorry for last night and what came out of my mouth, but your response was anger and coldness, which I wouldn’t blame you for that.

But do you know that those replies of yours hurt me? Do you know that I never meant to assume you that bad, although my words sometimes seem like that? Do you know that to me, you’re so precious? So precious that if only I could, I would keep you in my treasure box and keep you for mine only, never let anyone else see you so that they can’t have the desire of having you and take you away from me…

Do you know that now I’m sitting here alone, typing this with tears running down on my face, wishing that if only things would go my way…

Tomorrow.

I don’t know what’ll happen tomorrow. All I know is that you are probably leaving tomorrow. And I don’t know for how long you’ll be gone…I don’t know when I can see your face again, hear your sweet voice again saying you miss me, saying you want to hear my panda roar. All I know is that I’m swallowing bitter tears now. And God knows how long I can survive before I plunge into well of depression and loneliness without you…

Now I know how hard a long-distance relationship is.