Dryxanne’s Confessions

Have you ever felt you’re so alone in this world?

That even you’re in the crowd, you just feel so alone, lonely. That even you know that you do have friends, you somehow know that perhaps only a few of them would understand what you feel right now, and even those few might not be available to be around to be your shoulder to cry on.

That you need to put on a happy face around all day, while what you really want to do is screaming, go somewhere quiet alone, and scream on the top of your lungs, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Everyone’s got problem, I know, and everyone seems to think that one’s problem is the heaviest or the toughest problem in the world, and so do I.

Have you ever felt like you’re trying to say all the right things, but what come out seem to be meaningless at all?

That whatever you’re trying to convey, they just didn’t make their way. They just stop, got lost somewhere, and what is received by the other side, is a set of blur meaningless words, meaningless words easily wrongly understood. Causing raging hearts and burning anger.

And what can I do?

I cried, naturally. And alas, even tears couldn’t help ease my mind, and my hurt soul. I wept to sleep, and in the morning things just don’t get better. Sleep it over, they said, but apparently, nothing’s being solved while you are sleeping. Sometimes, it even gets worse, because the other sides perhaps go to sleep with more and more raging anger. So what do you wake up to in the morning?

More and more anger. More and more heartaches. More and more cursing. More and more misunderstandings. More and more…more and more…

Have you ever felt that you need someone so bad, that the presence only of this person, might have eased your burden?

Then you just over expect. Forgetting the fact that the other person might not be capable of absorbing all the negativity that you have, let alone desire to be dustbin. Forgetting that some things once broken, will still scar once repaired, and to heal itself it just takes time. And your time, might not be as the same as others’ range of time.

Then you hurt. And get hurt. And what’s meant to be healing conversation, a runaway from the real problems you’re facing, becomes one new problem itself. Damage more and more. Crack more and more. Crushing more and more.

Until you’re just pieces left on the floor. What else to be? When you’re smashed on to the hard floor, when you’re already just a broken glass vase, your pieces scattered around. You look around, and you realize you’re now lower, lying on the ground.

Minutes, hours, days, years ago, you were just a happy person, looking excitedly to the coming future, telling yourself all the positive words and thoughts, that whater may be, whatever may come, you will face it strongly, faithfully. What a faith..! What a wonderful faith..!

Can it keep your sanity now?

Can you still hold up your head high today, to see the sun still shine, and thank God for another new day to breathe? Can you still walk out to live your life today, and walk home to emptiness and deafening silence, that screams and screams, louder…louder…

Can you take away that thought, that scary yet tempting thought, that suicide might be a good way to end this unbearable pain and heartaches?

Strangely, my tears aren’t falling, I’m not even sobbing. My eyes got watery, but apart from that, perhaps I’m just too tired, mentally. Tired of getting through one after another obstacles. When I prayed for better jobs, I was granted. But when I prayed for better life, it seems that my prayers are not working. Is it wrong, is it sinful if I then become apathetic? That I might lose all my hope that things will get better? That I might lose my faith that whatever trials I’m in, I will be a pretty little glass later on?

Perhaps I’m just a pathetic little being, undeserved of higher grace. I’m not even deserved patience. My behaviors are just too hard to tolerate, and I’m not being cynical, because I learned the hard way that being cynical is not going to take me anywhere. Being honest perhaps is not going to work as well anymore. Lying is more likely to work. Lying about how you feel, lying about what you like, lying about who you care about. We all lie everyday anyway. Some more lies are not going to cause more damage, everything’s damaged anyway.

If you read this, I just want to say, I’m really sorry, whether you believe it to be sincere or not, it is your right to do so. I don’t think I have any more explanations to offer, I don’t think you’d want to hear them as well. Perhaps I’m tired of being the one who always does things that hurt you, always the one that throws all the trash at you, always the one that expects too high and fall too deep. I keep hoping that I will find what I want, and I start forgetting about loving and accepting whatever I have with gratitude.

Why can’t we, people, just live peacefully, next to each other?

I’m sorry that I have brought you all the pain and suffering and heartaches and hurt and feeling of being disrespected, distrusted, and unaccepted. It’s all my bad, and my bad alone. And again it’s not being cynical, it’s being honest, perhaps for the one last time.

I’m sorry.

And to borrow your words, you are free not to forgive me.

**************************

We were perhaps just two fools,

Two fools found each other.

Foolishness can last forever,

But romance perhaps won’t.

A fairy tale is always a fairy tale.

We are not, no matter how much we might want,

Lady Ivaine and Tristran Thorn.